Dungeons, Dragons, and Birthdays
by Wanna-be-poet59
Summary: It's Sheldon's birthday and boy, is he in for a big surprise.
1. So the Adventure Begins

"This is going to be the best birthday he's ever had" Amy whispered to a very tired Leonard. Looking at her watch Amy noted it was well past midnight, but all this work was necessary to fulfill the birthday plan she had thought up.

"Well, I don't know about that Amy," said Leonard sarcastically, "This** is** a surprise, after all, and we all know how much Sheldon hates surprises."

"You think he won't like it?" she said worry filling her words. Slowly she turned to look at him fully obviously not catching Leonard's mocking tone.

Rolling his eyes he quickly responded "Oh totally, he's so going to hate his amazing gift, Remember the Valentines gift of '13? Yeah, totally his least favorite gift ever"

Catching his eye the tricky vixen smiled as she muttered "He'll like this one better, I know he will! Want some tea while we finish up shop?"

"Yeah sure, all I have to do is get this last email out and we'll be ready for when he wakes up tomorrow."

As Amy prepared her boyfriend's bestie's tea, her phone vibrated and she saw her own bestie was calling her

"Is everything ready on your end Penny?"

"Yup Ames, got everything you asked for. Moon pie won't know what hit him!" came her beautiful blonde friend.

Amy grinned broadly, thanked Penny, and bid Leonard adieu. They both needed to get some sleep. While tomorrow was going to definitely be the most stressful day of their lives, it was also going to be the most fascinating one of Sheldon's.

He really was dating a little Vixen.

At precisely 6:01 the next morning Sheldon nearly jumped out of his skin, not to mention his bed, when he heard a fanfare coming from the other room.

"What fresh hell is that? Leonard wouldn't dare risk another strike, he already has one!" Sheldon exclaimed as he sat up.

His immediate response was to jump up and investigate the root of the noise but just as he is about to slip off the covers he saw a scroll lying on his night stand.

Ignoring the immediate anger that someone had been in his room WHILE HE WAS ASLEEP, Leonard would definitely earn a strike for this now, he carefully read the scroll aloud.

_"Sheldor the Conqueror, _

_You will find that you are now part of a real life D&D quest, all moves will be made thusly. Good luck. The objective today is to rescue the fair princes who has been at this very moment, captured by a malicious being bent on destroying your 33__rd__ birthday. To win the quest, earn the gold, and save your birthday you need to locate, save, and bring back said Princess as she is both under a powerful spell and holds the original replica of the Lords of the Ring ring. If, on your journey, you come across friends/acquaintances, you may ask them for guidance, but if you're not careful a disguised enemy may lead you astray. Best wishes in your dangerous travels into areas unknown. _

_Now Sheldor, the only question remaining is what is your first move?" _


	2. Early Morning Texts

Sheldon stared open-mouthed at the crumpled parchment for a moment, not fully comprehending what it meant.

After re-reading the document for what could have quite possibly been the millionth time, and with each read-through spawning a million more new questions that subsequently flooded his mind with mass confusion, he set the scroll down on his lap.

Surprisingly though, not one wayward thought was about his roommate Leonard or his inevitable strikes; his mind, it seemed, was too busy focusing on the whole "rescue the fair princess" and "dangerous travels" part.

This was exciting!

From the information given he was fairly certain he could assume that his very own Amy Farrah Fowler was the "fair princess" in question as she was:

a) The most aesthetically pleasing female he knew

b) The only person he knew of who owned both an accurate Disney princess dress and a real tiara

c) His woman

"If anyone wished to, quote unquote, "ruin" my 33rd birthday, preventing Amy from spending the day with me as I had hoped she would, would perhaps be the most effective way to do it." He thought to himself as he scanned his bedroom for any more clues as to how to proceed.

"Wait," he said aloud, "I don't even know if Amy's gone or not, for all I know this is some cruel ruse developed by Howard or Leonard or Raj to get me excited for nothing." He said, quite convinced it was the case.

Picking up his cellphone, he began to call Amy to inform her all about his eventful wake-up call when he saw he had several unread text messages.

_**To: Sheldon**_

_**From: Amy**_

_**Time: 10:51 p.m.**_

_**I must apologize again that I had to miss our nightly Skype session last night. I have been working late on the special project, but tomorrow's the last day of the project and all the preparation should be done tonight, so I should not have to miss anymore sessions!**_

_**-Talk to you soon, Amy Farrah Fowler**_

Sheldon smiled a little as he read this. He had been a bit disappointed that he had to miss his nightly Skype meeting (he couldn't exactly call it a date as it was neither the 2nd Thursday of the month nor 3rd Thursday in a month with five Thursdays.) but was glad that her project was almost over.

Wait…What project? She hadn't mentioned she was working on a new project before. He wondered momentarily what it was on before reading the next message.

_**To: Sheldon Cooper**_

_**From: Leonard Hofstadter**_

_**Time: 12:01 a.m.**_

_**Sry for txtng so l8 buddy, i needed 2 let u no we dont hve work tmrrw! Dr. G told me to tell you we hve the day off Raj n' Howrd 2. I'm sleeping Penny's for the nite. TTYL**_

"Great," Sheldon mentally scoffed "what an awful example of modern language and the ineffective use of abbreviation. Though, I would like to know why have today off."

**_To: Sheldon Cooper_**

**_From: Rajesh Koothrappali_**

**_Time: 3:14 a.m._**

**_DUUUUDEEE I'm soooooo drunk man, dfdjkjfdfdf;afada dfa RAJ OUT!_**

"Junk mail from Koothrappali…again" he muttered, dropping the message into the trash bin.

_**To: Sheldon Cooper**_

_**From: 671-269-0711**_

_**Time: 6:00 a.m.**_

_**Greetings Sheldor, I will serve as Dungeon Master as you go on your quest. I will answer any questions you have. When you have decided your 1st move reply to this number and we will proceed, we will decide your starting stats when you reply as well.**_

He snorted slightly at this; obviously he had a million questions and nary the typing space to write them all.

Though, the DM did bring up a good point, he needed to have his stats decided before he did really much of anything, how much good of a knight can he be if he only has 3 in strength and 1 in intelligence?

He went to the last message.

_**To: Sheldon Cooper**_

_**From: 671-269-0711**_

_**Time: 6:01 a.m.**_

_**Good luck Sheldor, I hope you are successful in your quest and save your princess and ring in time.**_

Sheldon inhaled deeply. Of course he needed to "save" Amy and not just so he could win the D&D game, he nee-wanted her to spend his birthday with him.

"I hope you save your princess indeed" he thought condescendingly, "of course I'll rescue her! That is assuming of course, she hasn't saved herself first, she is very resourceful like that."

However, at the back of his mind he was still unsure if she was part of this elaborate adventure or really taken. He would hate himself to have indirectly forced her to participate in this fascinating game because he knew she didn't share his love of these fantasy adventures, which was really such a shame because he was really intrigued by the morning's events, and he's only been up for ten minutes!

Just as Sheldon finished that thought his phone buzzed again.

"Curiouser and curiouser," Sheldon muttered suddenly quoting Louis Carroll as he opened the new message.

_**To: Sheldon Cooper**_

_**From: 671-269-0711**_

_**Time: 6:11**_

_**Turn the scroll over.**_

"Turn the scroll over?" he said indignantly, "Who does this DM think he is, I have an IQ of over 180, if there were anything on the back of this scroll doesn't he think I would have seen –OH! There's a hidden riddle on the back! That is a saucy twist"


	3. The Curious Conundrum

"Turn the scroll over?" he said indignantly, "Who does this DM think he is, I have an IQ of over 180, if there were anything on the back of this scroll doesn't he think I would have se–OH! There's a riddle here!" That's a saucy twist.

* * *

The message read:

_"Ladybugs leave me catatonic!_

_5:1 3:80 0:8_

_Can you pass me a big mac?_

_Aquaman I do hate._

_Where do I work?"_

Sheldon blinked.

"Where do I work…?" Who could he possibly be referring too?

"Where do I work?" he repeated. As he thought about it he found this little conundrum was even more vexing than Penny's brain teaser years ago where her only clue was "It's not what it looks like". Sadly he had come to figure out that this riddle was nothing more that one of Penny's half-truth-ed lies and therefore had no real answer other than it was in fact what it looked like.

"Come on Cooper, you have to do is compile the evidence" he thought to himself.

What did he know?

Given 1) this person is afraid of ladybugs.

Given 2) the sequence 5:1 3:80 0:8 plays some significance to this person.

Given 3) he likes McDonald's, or at least eats Big Macs.

Given 4) He dislikes Aquaman.

Given 5) I know supposedly know where he works provided I can figure out who "he" is (or she, can't rule out the ladies quite yet).

He considered all of his possible friends/acquaintances/associates.

He knew for a fact Penny, Bernadette, and Raj dislike bugs, so they were all automatically suspects in this curious case. He also noted that when he had been monitoring the picture book peddler's Facebook page to ensure he had not taken advantage of his Amy (his Amy? what is this madness in his mind, calling Amy his and what not), Stewart had liked "Spiders Suck"'s Facebook page, so perhaps he also disliked ladybugs.

The number sequence confused him slightly since individually the number meant absolutely nothing to him. Coming from a mathematical point of view, and we all know he must, they were nothing but a mishmash of prime and composite numbers and it seemed there was no rhyme or reason to it (and really, there was very little he hated more than illogical-ness).

Moving on to the next given. To his knowledge, all of his friends, even the semi-devout Howard and Raj ate McDonald's burgers, despite the fact that rules within their religion denied it, so this hint proved to be no help at all.

Since Aquaman is considered the lamest DC superhero by all the guys so they were all suspect. He dismissed the girls since he had very little reason to assume that any of his female companions, including his Amy (there he goes again calling her "his Amy"), cared for DC comics at all, though Marvel was a whole different ballpark.

"Well, I know it's not one of the girls." Sheldon mumbled to himself, "So I'm not looking for Penny, Bernie, or Amy's work, and as far as I know Leonard and Howard have no particular ill will towards insects so they're out. I suppose at the moment Stewart and Raj are my only viable candidates, but this doesn't give me much room to proceed."

If there was one thing Sheldon hated it was uncertainty, sure he had one clue left to decipher but it was merely a jumbled up mess of numbers. Were they coordinates? Perhaps they held a secret message! What if they had no purpose and he'd be stuck in an infinite circle again?

WAIT JUST A GOSH DARN TEXAN SECOND! (as to paraphrase his father's wonderful Texan slang)

June 3rd 2006. Rajesh Koothrappali, Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, and himself were sitting at lunch and Had just had just completed a stimulating conversation about the fascinating number 3 (it truly was a marvelous number, what with its complexities and trinities) when a certain Indian foreigner made the increasingly juvenile comment that the number 5,138,008 wash his favorite number because on a simple calculator that number upside down spelt out "boobies".

"Deity I don't believe in!" he exclaimed, nearly falling out of his bed "And Raj wonders why he has yet to find a suitable woman to pair bond with like I have with Amy or Leonard and Penny!"

Grabbing his phone, which had since fallen to the floor with his sudden epiphany, he quickly texted the mysterious DM.

_**To: 671-269-0711**_

_**From: Sheldon Cooper**_

_**Time: 6:13 a.m.**_

_**To the DM of this fascinating game,**_

_**I have since discovered that my quest requires me to travel to my old office, Rajesh's current one, as the first step in this game. What are my stats? How do I continue there? Is my "princess" there, and has the "malicious being" harmed her at all?**_

_**Regards,**_

_**Sheldor the Conquer**_

Sheldon held his breath as he awaited a reply.

Though he was confident they wouldn't go as far as to actually harm a hair on Amy's pale head for the sake of his birthday game, he still wondered who his arch nemesis would be today seeing how he did have 61 and counting to choose from.

"Maybe Will Wheaton it today's antagonist," he thought curiously.

Though the two had since become good friends after getting a signed action figure, a drunken Sheldon had instigated a physical fight with Will to defend Amy's honor. An action he was both proud and ashamed of.

"No. No. No! That would never do, Amy and Wheaton don't get along in the slightest, she'd never agree to be near him, if she can help it, even for my birthday" he mumbled, growing impatient.

"Perhaps it's Kripke," he thought, continuing down the list of people he despised. "Oh how I'd love to show up that babbling Elmer Fudd!" After the whole "my paper's better than yours" fiasco on top of Kripke's infernal mocking about his and Amy's coitus life, Sheldon had kept a special place in his brain specifically dedicated to finding multiple ways of showing up Kripke, preferably in a humiliating way.

"Or maybe it's-" he cut himself off as his phone began vibrating violently again and he was anxious to hear what this unknown mediator had to tell him.

_**To: Sheldon Cooper**_

_**From: 671-269-0711**_

_**Time: 6:14 a.m.**_

_**Greetings Sheldor the Conqueror, **_

_**Congratulations on discovering your first destination! Your stats are as follows:**_

_**Strength: 8**_

_**Dexterity: 6**_

_**Constitution: 7**_

_**Intelligence: 10**_

_**Wisdom: 8**_

_**Charisma: 7**_

_**None: 5**_

_**Based on the stats found here you are not only a human knight but a spellcaster and therefore are able to cast certain spells at the right time. If you have not dressed already, I suggest you do and quickly. Your princess is safe…for now and the "evil being" is being kept at bay. Go to the bottom of your hideout as soon as possible.**_

"Get dressed?" he mouthed confusedly "Well that's an odd demand to make, why shouldn't I get dressed in a timely manner when I'm about to wage war on some mystical being bent on destroying my birthday?"

It all seemed awfully peculiar to him.

Deciding that whoever they were, they were obviously not capable of thinking at the same level as he was, he rose from his bed, stripped himself of his typical sleeping robe and opened his Thursday shirt dresser to find – nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Not even his favorite flash shirt that he had been planning to wear (prior to all this excitement) on his date with Amy (it was the third Thursday of a month with five Thursdays after all).

His dresser as empty.

HIS DRESSER WAS EMPTY! Annoyance started to bubble into his otherwise positive attitude.

"How had someone come into my room whilst I was sleeping?" he pondered angrily. This would not go unpunished. No one is allowed into his room (well Amy did that one time but that was just to show her his mini Manhattan Project)! It's his!

"Calm yourself Cooper" he said through gritted teeth "Let's see what they left in the closet or you'll be forced to fight for your woman's honor in purple plaid pajamas."

He set a mental reminder that he needed to invest in a lock for his door…or several if his friends ever wished to enter the apartment again, and Leonard would never hear the end of this distressing infraction.

Reluctantly he moved across the room an opened his closet door, hoping to find himself facing his typical clothes, organized seasonally of course, with his special suits and other clothes place specifically in the back. He wasn't that lucky.

"Oh boy" he said, groaning with each extended syllable.

This would definitely prove to be an eventful day.


	4. An Unexpected Detour

Welcome to the fourth installment of Dungeons, Dragons, and Birthdays! I still own nothing!

* * *

At first glance it appeared as though his closet was empty too, and it didn't take a genius to know that meant he would be forced to prance around Pasadena like a mad-man, and he most certainly wasn't crazy – his mother had him tested (though, we're all wondering if she should have scheduled that follow-up in Huston).

However, upon further inspection he saw what he assumed either had to be his required costume for the day or the dry cleaners made a serious error, and at the moment he was more inclined to hope for the error as before him hung a scarily familiar maids costume that he remembered being forced to wear in exchange for meeting one of the greatest minds in the world today, Steven Hawking.

"I was better off with the pajamas" he muttered to himself as he gazed at the dress, the outfit innocently swaying softly as he pushed his closet door open farther. "Though I've worn this before I still think this is a bit outside my comfort zone"

Reaching to grab the garment, if not simply to burn the lacy mess, he noticed a hastily written note pinned to the apron.

In what he automatically recognized to be Howard's untidy penmanship, he made out the message "_Just messing with you Sheldor, keep going._"

Highly relieved that he would not be donning such inappropriate clothing today, he pushed the tutu aside and, sure enough, hiding behind the over-sized uniform, easily hidden behind the mountain of fluffy outfit, was Sheldor's new outfit.

Hanging in the way back of the closet on a hot pink hanger which he had a sneaky suspicion belonged to his messy neighbor across the hall was a human fighter outfit complete with sword, dagger, and what appeared to be a vibranium enforced shield.

"Well, at least THIS one is accurate to my character, Sheldor the Conquer: the most heroic of all knights" he conceded proudly, slowly taking the second costume off the rack and placing it on his bed to examine further.

The undershirt and tasset were both various shades of purple with gold trim, while the armor itself was a plated model (not the chain mail model that Leonard sports at each disappointing Renaissance/Enlightenment/excuse to say "ye olde" whenever you feel like it fair) and, though the metal seemed fairly heavy for its size, he reasoned it couldn't have been made of real iron.

"Most likely made out of high grade steel; that's a nice touch" he thought to himself as he peeled off his pajama shirt.

Normally a costume of such a high caliber and accuracy wouldn't bother him, in fact normally he'd be over the moon and back over such an exquisite choice in costume (he was a free spirit like that) however he still had a few reservations about this one.

The first aspect that made him almost as cheerful as when Howard won his Flash comic book via cricket wager, was the huge red heart engraved on to the front of his metal costume. This certainly would not do, it wasn't like he was some hippy at a love fest! He was a scientist, and as such he shouldn't be frolicking around with a shape whose origins include female hindquarters and baser urges!

Though, his more pressing worry was the fact that instead of upper leg guards, as per norm in most armors of the time period, the costume sported black tights, steel shin guards, and pair of purple leather buckle front boots.

Unbeknownst to most, - except for Leonard, Penny, Raj, Howard, Bernadette, Amy, nearly everyone at his University and Amy's, the majority of East Texas and some fellow nerds he had the pleasure of meeting at last year's Comic-Con – Sheldon Lee Cooper had a distinct distaste (no, scratch that, distaste is too light, the proper word would be hatred…immense hatred) of tights.

What caused his illogical, borderline pathological discomfort of a silly piece of clothing? Simple, his twin sister Missy Cooper, who had blackmailed him (read as "almost made him infertile with several hard blows to his lower region") into going to ballet and other dance classes with her when they were five.

He shuttered for a moment. To this day he had nightmares about the slightly overweight and very elderly Mrs. Johnson shouting "I've seen toddlers make better pliés that that" and "BEND you twig boy BEND" as he tried everything to get out of there.

It was, bar none, the worst week of his life, not including when they guys had faked his results or when Amy had been dating Stewart, since all three occurrences nearly gave him mental breakdowns that would have forever marked him as actually being crazy (which he wasn't!).

After some internal debate weighing the consequences of going through the day in his Wednesday pajamas or sporting a silly heart on his chest, he grudgingly got dressed and found himself pleasantly surprised.

Despite his childish complaining earlier, the armor fit his thin figure like a glove and he was fascinated by how he looked in said costume. Usually when wearing medieval garb he went as a monk or a trans-universal Spock investigating a land much like 15th century England, but never as a dashing night. Even if he didn't look like the Flash getting married he couldn't deny he looked great.

His underclothes were skin tight and perfectly accented his usually hidden muscular demeanor, while his armor made it appear as though he were truly off to slay some dragon, best some jester, or save the princess which ironically was what he was doing.

Whoever picked this out certainly had good taste, and knew him well enough since the material was a pleasing royal purple! "My favorite color" he said aloud as he exited his room for the first time since his adventure started.

Intent on walking down the hall, through the living room, down the stairs and to the bottom of the building, okay intent on semi-waddling down the hall, through the living room, down the stairs, and to the bottom of the building, he excitedly hurried towards the front door, curious as to where his adventure would take him.

However fate, the devious little antagonist in its own right, had other plans.

Upon getting a decent view of his communal living room, Sheldon nearly had a heart attack. His poor OCD filled heart was crying a little bit as he tried to process what he saw before him.

Trash was everywhere and not thing was in its proper place!

OH THE HUMANITY!

Bright blue and red blankets covered the floor while several large pillows that he had never seen before dotted the floors in a chaotic fashion that showed neither rhyme nor reason to its placement.

The couch and chair were flipped over, left forgotten by the rubble left in its wake.

As he stepped closer, a loud mechanical voice boomed throughout the apartment.

**_"SHELDOR, THE GREAT AND MIGHTY HERO! I HAVE HEARD TELL OF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND FEEL I SHOULD MAKE YOU PROVE YOUR WORTH! IF YOU PASS MY TEST, YOUR PRINCESS WILL REMAIN SAFE…FOR NOW…"_**


	5. The Unfavorable Odds

**"SHELDOR, THE GREAT AND MIGHTY HERO! I HAVE HEARD TELL OF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND FEEL I SHOULD MAKE YOU PROVE YOUR WORTH! IF YOU PASS MY TEST, YOUR PRINCESS WILL REMAIN SAFE…FOR NOW…"**

Sheldon's initial disapproving frown from the destruction around his domain dissolved almost instantly. In its place, a grimace, normally reserved for those who try to convince him of being jealous of those beneath him, those who blatantly refuse to acknowledge his ornithophobia as a true disability and mock him for suggesting covering the building with a net, or those grammar school bullies who tortured him mercilessly, appeared.

He hadn't been expecting this.

"What is this madness?" he moaned loudly. He was supposed to go to Raj's office. He really couldn't afford to dillydally here, not while Amy was being held against her will anyway! He nee-wanted her to spend the day with him! Oh and he needed his ring too, not that he had given his collectible LOTR memorabilia much thought which was strange for him. Usually he would obsess over losing something so special to him and yet, in that moment, it felt so small.

Just as he was about to step out of the hallway the voice spoke again. Booming throughout the tiny apartment.

**"WHAT'S THE MATTER SHELDOR? IS THE BIG POWERFUL SUPER HERO TOO AFRAID TO RESCUE THE PRINCESS? SOME CONQUEROR YOU ARE. I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A COWARD."**

After the voice had stopped Sheldon winced a little, the stranger's last words had struck him hard in the ego. Sure the evidence may have once supported that claim when he, Sheldon Lee Cooper, was slightly too afraid to hurt his girlfriend's feelings and admit that he didn't want her to move in with him and then he may or may not have correctly or incorrectly blamed Penny for his conundrum BUT that did not mean he was cowardice now!

"Where is that voice coming from?" he pondered momentarily after calming down slightly. Stopping for a moment he realized that the odd intruder's mechanic voice has a nearly incalculable origin and, if there's one thing our Sheldon can't stand its incalculable things. Especially after the failed experiment he and Amy had worked on dealing with his desperate need for closure. He felt that everything needed to be explained and organized.

Sheldon deduced immediately that the voice was mechanically scrambled, a clever trick to ensure he couldn't distinguish the villainous figure. Anyone could be the speaker, and that alone made it ten times harder to identify who was testing him.

"Just who is this mysterious figure" he wondered as he peered down the hallway, making sure he was very much alone.

"Whoever he is, he is quite cunning however he can't be anywhere near my caliber" he thought.

Taking a few steps closer, his phone when off and he saw the DM had contacted him.

"he's a little late" he snorted as he opened the message.

**To: Sheldon Cooper**

**From: 671-269-0711**

**Time: 6:30**

**SHELDOR! AN EVIL BLACK ORC HAS HEARD OF YOUR QUEST AND WISHES TO STOP, EVEN KILL, YOU SO HE CAN TAKE THE RING AND THE PRINCESS FOR HIS EVIL BEING MASTER! As you know black orcs are significantly cleverer than those of average orcs and it seems this one has devised a test designed to kill you, the good-hearted knight Sheldor. Your base has been transported into his evil lair – under a volcano in the Gorgoroth region of Mordor – and you now must maneuver over, under, and sometimes even through each obstacle. REMEMBER SHELDOR–this is a battle of wits and each object in the lair represents a different element. Some elements are safe while others will cause you to fall down to the bottom of the volcano and others still may give off radioactive waves that will significantly lower your health bar. I will guide you through part of the way but cell service in Mordor is less than desired. Once you have completed this "unforeseeable" hardship you will be transported back to 4a and I can help you fully again.** **Now Sheldor, do you have any questions?**

A million questions ran through his head at once, overflowing his mind with several different worries and thoughts.

"My nemesis has a black orc?", "Orcs, Orcs are extremely dull but violent, will I have enough strength to beat him?", "Him, he, who is my mysterious nemesis?", "Nemesis, my nemesis has Amy!", "Amy, my Amy, I hope she isn't dulled too much by being unable to be in my presence during this (as she would undoubtedly call it) mess." "Mess, MY APARTMENT IS A MESS; I can't even see the floor!" The thoughts, the emotions, the ideas just kept piling on, three at a time, seven at a time, twelve at a time, until finally they were flooding his mind. His head started to spin and he felt so overwhelmed. All his body wanted to sit, rest, stop the overflow, but he couldn't move.

Wouldn't move.

Stood.

On a normal day this sudden influx of emotions and thoughts would have short circuited our beloved hero and in his semi-callus Sheldon way, he would have flat out refused to continue. However, today, dizzy as he was, confused as he was, and as much as his brain was telling him to stop playing he simply stared at the message, his mouth hung open very comically.

When he would normally be haughty and standoffish, crazed and obsessive, he was dumbfounded and pleased, confused and impressed, over the bare fact that one (or more) of his friends had taken the time to designed such an elaborate facet to the birthday D&D game.

Nope, there was no denying it; today was no ordinary day in Sheldon Cooper's world. Nope, it was better than that. It was perfect. (Well as perfect as it could be, knowing your evil nemesis had a powerful black orc you were expected to beat)

"Whoever it is must have an extensive background in comic LOTR," he said after a second, trying to clear his mind, temporarily pushing the negative thoughts away.

"But where do I start? I can't fall to my death in the first try!" he said, inspecting the pillows that were resting innocently in front of him. One wrong move and he'd be out of the game.

As he had learnt from Koothrappali, charging in without any plan of action other than screaming "ATTACKKK" could lead to having a cannibal jump up, eat his face off, and have him be out of the game, an undesirable occurrence to say the least.

Quickly he texted the DM.

**To: 671-269-0711**

**From: Sheldon Cooper**

**Time: 6:32 a.m.**

**To the DM of this fascinating game,**

**Though I am a superior being in most respects and am doubtlessly destined to defeat this rapscallion and his Orc servant and I am, of course, confident in my ability to navigate through this treacherous maze of foreboding obstacles, I must inquire as to how to start. Any other questions shall be considered null and void for the time being.**

**Regards,**

**Sheldor the Conquer,**

"There," he thought, "plain, straightforward and totally in character, not a bad text if I do say so myself."

The faintest outline of a smile of pride began to appear on Sheldon's lips when he got his return text from the DM

**To: Sheldon Cooper**

**From: 671-269-0711**

**Time: 6:33 a.m.**

**If you roll a seven or better on the standard d10 dice you will turn left approximately 89 degrees and take the bonus weapon and text back, if you roll a six or below you will take your chances and hope you jump on the right element.**

Sheldon gulped nervously. Despite having an extensive knowledge over virtually everything (since physics did entail everything) he couldn't help but be on edge at the moment knowing that not even he could control chance. He knew that of the approximately thirty pillows within his immediate jumping distance only a handful could be correct elements and, assuming he did choose correctly, was the probability of him being able to pick properly again and again high? No, he had done the math in his head and, jumping in all willy-nilly would either cause for immediate elimination or for a sudden catastrophic event. Either way, the odds were against him.

His only hope rode the chance that a seven (or higher) was rolled. Such a slim chance it seemed. A 2/5 chance,

"…Such a slim chance…" he said out loud, his hand shaking around his phone.

Dare he text to ask what was rolled? Would the DM simply text back? Were they waiting for feedback? Had he rolled a 3? A 2? Was he going to fail on the first mission? What were the consequences of him losing?

After a few more seconds of sweating profusely, (after all it was hot under all those metallic layers) and staring at his phone while the merciless Black Orc taunted in the background (who, to his discourteous credit, was insulting our nervous hero about everything from his masculinity to the possibility of him having an alleged Oedipus Rex complex) Sheldon's phone rang, loud and clear.

Clearing his throat, Sheldon, the logical and pragmatic being that he is, began preparing for Armageddon-esque worst case scenarios as he opened the phone.

He nearly fainted then and there.


End file.
